I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
