Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
