I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
