I puked a lego.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
