so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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