I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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