i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
