nut hugger
Soap is not a condiment
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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