Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
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You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
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my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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