$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
