remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
