Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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