Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
