there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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