Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
40s are totally the cure
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
