Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
