I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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