She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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