the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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