allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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