we're chasing vodka with high fives
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
