I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
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He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
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Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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