I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
