dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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