Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
