he was CRYING into my vagina
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
