1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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