look no pants
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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