you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
