I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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