Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
