We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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