My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
