Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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