he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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