Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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