alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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