His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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