So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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