also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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