Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
