I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
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you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
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I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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