When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
