Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
