I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
