I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
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Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
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Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica