So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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