I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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