as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
