3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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