The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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