Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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