So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
