Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
