i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
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