he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
